Be the Boss Who Sees the Need Under the Behaviour

The shift that changes everything

Dr Becky Kennedy shared a simple idea in a conversation with Jefferson Fisher. When someone behaves badly, the behaviour is not proof of who they are. It is a clue to what they need.

She was talking about children in tough moments. The insight still applies at work. Adults have feelings too. They are just better at hiding them until they spill out. Often it is not a bad employee. It is a good employee having a hard time.

What feelings actually want

Leaders like to fix. We jump to solutions. We want the moment to be over. But feelings do not want a fix first. They want care. They want to be understood.

Here is some language that helps:

• I hear you

• That sounds really hard

• I can see this is tough

These words tell a deeper story. You matter here. You are not alone in this feeling. Your feelings are real.

Name what sits underneath

If behaviour is the clue, what is the feeling. Sometimes even the person is not sure. The Feelings Wheel helps us put words to what can be messy inside. (Insert hyperlink)

• Instead of angry, maybe they are frustrated

• Instead of checked out, maybe they are overwhelmed

• Instead of defensive, maybe they are scared

Once we name the feeling, we can support it. When we support it, the behaviour shifts.

The power of wishing

A small phrase helps the brain settle. I really wish…

I really wish this had gone differently

I really wish you had the support you needed

I really wish this was not happening again

I really wish is acceptance. Not agreement. It helps someone breathe. It lets the thinking brain come back online. Then you can talk about what comes next.

Lead the person not the behaviour

A boss reacts to what they see. A coach responds to what is underneath. That does not excuse poor behaviour. It explains it long enough for you to guide someone through it.

Understanding is the leadership move. The best teams do not avoid hard moments. They grow through them.